Waking up this morning to a message from Teal Swan, has forced me to face a part of my shadow that has been bubbling up to the surface these last few weeks. She spoke of futility and our self-denial of this futility in our life right now.
These last few weeks has seen me carry around an ache in my heart; triggered by the words of well-intentioned people who only want to see me shine. I couldn’t see the wisdom of the words behind the wall of pain and rage that surfaced every time I was told to take action, to do something different, to be …something else.
A hurt and angry child inside of me raged and cried out “I can’t be who you want me to be! Why am I not enough as I am right now? Why do I have to be someone different?”. This fiery rage was only a cover for the fear and panic this little girl felt, sparked by the belief that the only way to be loved; was to be the perfect daughter.
Except that the perfect daughter doesn’t exist. The perfect person doesn’t exist. This subconscious belief I enacted out on every single person I met was built on impossible foundations. I have had to accept the futility of this belief and accept the truth that I can NEVER be what everyone wants me to be. People look at me through the lens of their own perceptual reality. An image of me that is distorted by their own trauma and programming. Even if I became what one person wanted me to be at that particular moment in time, they would only change their demands as the next reflection of their own shadow rises up in me.
I now accept that I was fighting a battle I could never win.
And so, arises the deeper understanding that I can only do the best I can with what I have, from where I’m at. And the only person who can decide what’s best for me, is me. As cliché as it sounds, I am the driver of my vehicle. I am the one living this life and I need to accept responsibility for the totality of my body mind spirit complex.
How do I do this? By following the will of my heart, the will of my soul…they are the same thing. I will develop a relationship with my own heart and seek to become what IT wants me to be.
And since we are riding the cliche train right now, I’ll end with this;
To thine own self, we must be true